Whole Object Relations - An Exploration

I remember learning about Klein’s whole object relations theory as a student, at which time most of the content I absorbed felt ‘intellectual’ or wordy… It was just that, a theory… It didn’t seem to bear any resonance for me on a personal level, and of course I learned about it as was a course requirement, but it’s taken me some time to fully ‘get it’ beyond a conceptual understanding.

Perhaps the reason it’s taken so long is because I personally was in a state of disintegration, as are most of us. The idea of whole object relations seems to be that we can accept both our good and bad parts simultaneously. If there are still bits that are separate or cut off (i.e. the idea of ‘not getting’ a theory…), it may be difficult to form a clear picture of oneself and others.

Klein first established the idea from her work with infants. When the mother is available to feed the baby, she is seen as a ‘good’ object, whereas when she is withholding or unavailable, she is seen as ‘bad’. To fully mature is to accept both the good and bad parts of another person, as well as seeing them as separate from oneself or ‘differentiated’.

For people who struggle with whole object relations, it seems there is a splitting with people. Others are seen as all good or all bad, and if someone does something to upset or hurt us, any past good behaviour may be completely disregarded in the moment. It can be particularly painful for people who struggle with whole object relations when this happens, due to the existence of the ‘undifferentiated state’, in which there are no clear boundaries or sense of separation between oneself and others. This means any external ‘bad behaviour’ is felt much more keenly. It is not separate to oneself, it is part of oneself, yet as we are of course not another person, this can be frustrating, as we feel powerless to change it. There is not the sense of oneself as a separate autonomous individual with the capacity to manage another’s behaviour. It is like being stuck in the same state of helplessness as in babyhood.

Of course as adults we do have power, and the ability to see others as separate from ourselves, yet it seems that many who lack whole object relations do not develop a stable, integrated image of self and so are more vulnerable to the behaviour and actions of others, often allowing them to dictate our feelings and behaviour in turn.

It can be confusing and paradoxical to reconcile two extremes of behaviour in others, particularly in childhood. Erratic or unpredictable caregiving doesn’t make sense to the baby, especially when there are periods of love and affection interspersed. The idea of ‘Jeckyll & Hyde’ being the same person can feel disorienting, and as stability and consistency is importance for emotional regulation, whole object relations suffer. The baby comes to one logical conclusion - one person cannot be both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in this way. This creates a split, and the assumption is often that they are the one who is bad, or bringing about the behaviour they don’t like in the other. This can also lead to grandiosity in later life, or an inconsistent sense of self-importance.

The ‘solution’ is to learn to recognise boundaries and separation. Seeing oneself as unique and individual, at the same time as being connected to others emotionally and energetically. In this way the behaviour and emotions of others does not have the ability to disturb one’s own emotional state, and yet we are still emotionally attuned to the feelings and realities of those around us.

This can be difficult to achieve in adulthood as it can often feel counter-intuitive to ‘disconnect’ from others when it seems connection is the solution with so much in therapy. Yet it is only in coming to know ourselves and reconciling the good/bad within us first that we are able to apply this to others too. We may emerge from the process as much more emotionally available and attuned, although the period of ‘separation’ can feel painful when it has not taken place naturally in babyhood. The re-wiring can be disorienting and confusing, particularly when one has built a life based on old ideas and beliefs of self and others.

I’m not sure how much Klein would agree with these ideas! Not much has been said about recovery from damage to whole object relations, yet perhaps it is in simply seeing them that the repair can begin to occur. It does seem that it is possible to recover and develop a clearer view of self and others, yet in my experience, this is managed through healthy relationships. Therapy can therefore be very helpful to this degree.